Abyss

The misfiring of neurons
within my damaged synapses
are due to religious shrapnel
leftover from a war
that I can barely remember.
It really makes me think -
or does it?
Who's thoughts are these?
Who put them here?

Vicious Cycle

Mine.

I like the way you lick your finger
before you turn the page
and how you smile while you're asleep.
You are over complimentary
but I feel that it is real
I love that
I'm not used to that.
You are sweet and open
and make me want to be as well.
I like the way you hold me in the morning
I wouldn't have thought you capable
to hold me
and keep me
and for me to want to be kept
by you.
I like the way you read aloud
your voice is familiar and exciting.
You constantly cross your feet
and I have to remind myself not to squeal
about how cute that is.
You are cute.
Original.
Kind.
Genuine.
Crazy.
Mine.

Happy Halloweenie

I love Halloween, I'm sad it's almost over and October has one foot out the door already. I'm planning my costume for next year ... which is going to be difficult. Every year needs to be better than the last, I don't know how I'm going to keep that going!

2011 - The Gatekeeper - Ghostbusters (first couples costume!)
2010 - Zombie Amelia Earhart
2009 - Max - Where the Wild Things Are
2008 - Sarah Palin (hopefully this costume will not be relevant ever again)
2007 - Alice in Wonderland & Alex - A Clockwork Orange
2006 - Witch & Lil John (YEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!)
2005 - Doll & Skeleton
2004 - FBI Agent (I regret this, like all "sexy" costumed girls should)
2003 - Skunk

Mama needs some amazingly cool ideas for October 2012!

Run For Cover(s)!

I'm kind of a sucker when it comes to cover songs. I think the new representation mixed with the somewhat familiar rhythm and lyrics makes you feel super cool when you hear it and go, "Hey, I know that song!". Also, covers are just refreshing sometimes. I'm currently compiling a play list with my favorite remixes and have listed most of them below. As you will see, I am a Beatles fan and in love with Ray LaMontagne's voice, so I apologize for the monotony. But hey, this is my list!

Teen Spirit (Nirvana) - Tori Amos
I Want It That Way (The Backstreet Boys) - Ryan Adams
Eight Days a Week (The Beatles) - Dandy Warhols
Here Comes The Sun (The Beatles) - Belle and Sebastian
Crazy in Love (Beyonce) - The Magic Numbers
Creep (Beck) - Damien Rice
Across the Universe (The Beatles) - Ryan Adams
To Love Somebody (The Beatles) - Ray LaMontagne
It Ain't Easy (David Bowie) - The Racontuers
What's Goin' On (Marvin Gaye) - A Perfect Circle
Hello I Love You (The Doors) - Eurythmics
Paths of Victory (Bob Dylan) - Cat Power
Everywhere (Fleetwood Mac) - Vampire Weekend
Crazy (Gnarls Barkley) - Ray LaMontagne
Everyday (Buddy Holly) - Rogue Wave
White Wedding (Billy Idol) - Queens of the Stone Age
Love Will Tear Us Apart (Joy Division) - Calexico
Redemption Song (Bob Marley) - Johnny Cash & Joe Strummer
Free Man in Paris (Joni Mitchell) - Sufjan Stevens
Hot in Here (Nelly) - Jenny Owen Youngs
The Rip (Portishead) - Radiohead
Hey Ya (Outkast) - Supersuckers
Bohemian Rhapsody (Queen) - Flaming Lips
Somebody To Love (Queen) - MXPX
No Ordinary Love (Sade) - Deftones
Toxic (Britney Spears) - Yael Naim
Trouble (Cat Stevens) - Elliot Smith
No Fun (Stooges) - The Black Keys
Cosmic Dancer (T Rex) - Morrissey
Psycho Killer (Talking Heads) - Cage The Elephant
Cry Me A River (Justin Timberlake) - Glen Hansard
Seven Nation Army (White Stripes) - Damien Rice
Dreaming Man (Neil Young) - Neko Case

Get to downloading, fools! You won't be sorry!

Sad People

What
do sad people have in
common?
It seems
they have built a shrine
to the past
and often go there
and do a strange wail and
worship.
What is the beginning of
happiness?
It is to stop being
so religious
like that.

The Gift - Daniel Ladinsky

150 Things

I actually compiled this random list of 150 obscure things about me around 3 years ago. Blast from the past!

1. My name is Autumn, like the season I was not named after. My moniker came from some character in some movie my mother saw some years ago.

2. I played the clarinet in band for five years. I quit after my first season of high school marching band … its really hard to memorize music and field patterns at the same time.

3. Plus, the uniform did nothing for my figure.

4. I was born in The Woodlands, Texas; a small town right outside Houston. Its okay if you’ve never heard of it, most people haven’t.

5. I had the best childhood, all wholesome and sweet, like a postcard. Except when I once had bricks thrown at me for being a morm - I’ve never seen that on a postcard.

6. I started wearing glasses in third grade because I thought they would make me look smarter. There was a spelling bee that year and I needed all the help I could get.

7. Actually, the DMV requires I wear corrective lenses to function. My eyesight is really terrible and I have astigmatisms in both eyes. It’s not too bad though, my other senses are heightened as a result.

8. I was an amazing roller-blader; it was like my thing back in the day when I would choreograph complex routines with my best friend to Mariah Carey hits. That all ended when I moved to California and learned about hills, the hard way.

9. I moved to California right before my thirteenth birthday. It was really hard entering my teen years at the same time I was entering a new state and school.

10. I’ve always taken the quote, ‘you are unique, just like everyone else’ personally. How dare you!

11. Panda bears are my favorite animal. I wish I could replace my bed with a giant panda and be panda-hugged to sleep every night.

12. I also love narwhals, even though I’m terrified of most ocean creatures. They are the unicorns of the sea, how can you not love them?

13. Growing up, we had three Siamese cats that were sisters. Oh, how I loved them with their crazy different personalities, always fighting and stealing each others clothes. They were like real sisters.

14. My brother went on an LDS mission to Resistencia, Argentina for two years. I’ve always loved my brother, but when he decided to go on a mission, my love for him multiplied ten fold. I could never be that selfless.

15. I was in love with the American Girl series when I was younger. I wished I could be Samantha, the girl who lived during the Victorian era because she was so regal and got to wear beautiful lace dresses. I am still in love with the Victorian era and I still have the books, I keep them hidden in my nightstand along with the Twilight series.

16. I am not photogenic, in any sense of the word. If you see a picture of me, God help you unless it’s been appropriately photo-shopped and approved by my agent.

17. I love color. Some people don’t know this about me because I wear mostly black, white and grey. Don’t be fooled by my beat-nick exterior, I’m a kaleidoscope on the inside.

18. I love to make things from scratch; cookies, cards, authentic Italian meals … I’ve even made my own soap and lip gloss!

19. When I was in high school my curfew was 10:30 pm, even on the weekends, because ‘that is when the Holy Ghost went to bed’. Naturally, I was consistently grounded for not meeting curfew. My proceeding siblings did not have to adhere to this rule. It makes me mad to think about it even now.

20. I can’t sing to save my life, but I still do every chance I get. I’m serious when I tell you that my ‘singing voice’ would most likely result in either blood or cerebral spinal fluid leaking from your ears (both of which are very, very bad). Maybe that is why I go to punk shows … my yelling is much less hazardous to your health.

21. In school, I heard ‘guys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses’ a lot. I vow to make this statement obsolete!

22. Even though I would never want it back, sometimes I really miss my rusty old turquoise 1982 Honda Accord hatchback beater. It was so hilarious and taught me how to deal with life.

23. I was once pulled over in my hatchback because I had a tail light out. I explained to the cop that the part was no longer manufactured (1982!). I couldn’t open my glove box to get my registration because it was broken and locked shut. The driver’s side seat slid back and forth due to disintegrating screws. My stereo was worth more than the entire car. It was pretty pathetic. I got out of a ticket, no cleavage involved, because he got a good laugh.

24. I’m always good for a laugh. As I learned from my dad, laughter is the best medicine.

25. I freak out when I recognize traits my parents have in myself. It makes me feel way too mature. Then I go watch Adult Swim.

26. I ran cross country in high school for three years until I injured myself. So, I decided to go out for water polo. Activities that involve hand-eye coordination and me do not mix well.

27. I once broke my finger on a date to the batting cages. I must have liked the guy, because really … why would I deliberately put myself in a cage with a metal bat and 60 mph balls? Breaking something was inevitable.

28. I’ve only broken one bone in my entire life.

29. I have never had a cavity, even after enduring 2 years, 11 days of orthodontic hell.

30. I was in braces from age 21 through 23. I was the sexiest social pariah around.

31. I am and will eternally be fascinated by the human body. I love reading books about anatomy, physiology and medical maladies.

32. Feet are the most disgusting part of the human anatomy. I really hate them. A surefire way to piss me off and leave me in a tizzy for days is to put your feet on, near or around me.

33. I have been in love once. I don’t know if I want to do it again.

34. I love Alfred Hitchcock. I did a project on him in high school and had to watch a bunch of his movies. Ever since then, I’ve always been drawn to cinematically dramatic, groundbreaking or unusual films. Thanks Alfie!

35. My one greatest fear above all other fears is people who have little teeth. Or lots of teeth. Or lots of little teeth.

36. I cried when I saw the movie ‘The Ring’. I was literally bawling in the theater. That is the only movie to ever have that effect on me.

37. I love scarves more than any other accessory (crazy/ fun socks come in second). I wish I had one for every outfit and occasion.

38. I am a natural blond. Shh, don’t tell anyone.

39. Currently stashed in my closet, is a lavender sweatshirt with rainbows, stars and a Pegasus silk-screened on it. It’s almost 10 years old and pilling, but I still wear it at least once a week. I love that sweatshirt so much – when it finally dies, I’ll be heart broken and have to make it into a pillow or something.

40. I love tattoos - they look so awesome and badass. I am envious of people who have lots of them and totally rock it. I wish I could do that, but I’m a gangly nerd who wears pea-coats and glasses.

41. I used to think, ‘if I get tatted on the ribs, I’ll be capable of anything’. It’s true. I’ve proven it.

42. Sometimes it really freaks me out when I see how much my little sister is growing up to turn out like me. I can’t think of a more terrifying position to fill than that of a role model.

43. I used to bite my nails relentlessly until my mom made some remark about how it’s like ‘eating yourself’ … hurl! I never bit them again.

44. I have a notebook full of quotes, expressions and lyrics that inspire me – I frequently refer to it in times of need. I started filling the notebook in eighth grade and I’ll have to start a new one soon. If my house catches on fire in the middle of the night, I’m grabbing it before I even think to put on pants.

45. Large, unusual and artistic jewelry is my favorite. I don’t wear it though because I feel my glasses detract from its charm. Instead, I covet from afar.

46. I have the best worst roommate stories ever.

47. I always try and take good advice because I feel like I’m the type of person that doesn’t have to ‘get in the mud to know it will get me dirty’. I’d rather be forewarned and save face, but it doesn’t always work out that way.

48. I really, truly believe that everything happens for a reason.

49. Patience is a virtue, one I wish I had. For this reason, I tend to give up quickly on hobbies. I am currently trying to teach myself to play the guitar and I’m fairly certain it will be one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done.

50. My future needs to include travel. I’ve never been overseas and haven’t even seen the entire United States yet. I am so ready to vagabond it out of here, my hands shake in anticipation sometimes.

51. If I could choose to be anything I wanted, no questions asked and no future to worry about, I would be a social anthropologist and travel the globe as a nomad of culture.

52. I was in Girl Scouts until my senior year of high school. Back in middle school, I would wear my uniform to school every Thursday because our troop had meetings right after. I had hundreds of patches and paraded them around on my vest like nobody’s business. My classmates looked at me like I was lame, but I know they were secretly jealous they didn’t have badge certifications in Indian Basket Weaving.

53. I believed in Santa Claus until I was 12 years old. 12 years old! My dad told me one holiday season when my family was Christmas shopping at Mission Valley mall. I tried to play it off like I already knew, but I was completely crushed on the inside.

54. I was totally onto the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy, in case you were wondering.

55. I sweat the small stuff. Deal with it.

56. Like: the snuggling inclined.

57. Dislike: the grammatically challenged.

58. I was your typical late bloomer … not even a blip on boy radar until I was almost 17 years old. Sometimes I think things would be so much less complicated if blooming wasn’t involved.

59. There is a special place in my CD case for craptastic pop-punk bands that never amounted to anything. It assaults my ear drums while simultaneously bringing me back to the golden years in high school telecomm class, filming randomness, eating taco shop and being alright with the world.

60. I would rather receive a card on a non-occasion than on a holiday or birthday. People shouldn’t be afraid for others to know they care on more than a select few days of the year.

61. I love short girl hair. I had a pixie cut, or some variation of one, for most of high school until someone said I looked like a boy. It makes me sad that people stereotype according to haircuts, but I guess I do it too (I mean, look at mullets). One day I’ll chop it off again, but until then – I blame society for my currently generic do.

62. Sleep is the best, but I always feel like I’m missing out on or forgetting something when I waste time doing it. I stay up way later than I should and wake up early to take charge of the day. God bless caffeine.

63. I really, really hate reality TV. If it was real, it would be called a documentary.

64. Reading is my favorite. I miss the days of reading non-assigned/ non-textbook material. When I was younger, I would ride my bike to the library during the summer and participate in their reading program. If you read at least 100 books and wrote a review of each one by the end of the summer, you won a blue ribbon. It was so fun! I think I still have the ribbons somewhere around here …

65. I geek out frequently.

66. I’ve always wanted a dog named Miss Patty Cake, preferably some breed with a smushed-in face.

67. If I could wear jeans, a sweatshirt and chucks every day of my life, I would.

68. I have a serious addiction to chapstick. Once, on a camping trip, I forgot my chapstick and by the end of the weekend my lips looked like Angelina Jolie on crack. The trip resulted in me investing in a life time supply of topical lip products and a distain for camping trips.

69. Sarcasm will be the death of me.

70. Whenever I get nervous or uncomfortable, I ramble. I’m so afraid of awkward silences that I talk and talk until the encounter is over. Sometimes people mistake this for being really outgoing and bubbly. Thanks!

71. People tell me I walk too fast. I do! I got a hectic schedule and places to be. If I leave you in the dust, don’t get offended … I promise you smell fine and there’s nothing in your teeth, I just move quickly.

72. If you ask me, sending flowers ‘just because’ is one of the most romantic things ever.

73. Hugs, not drugs.

74. I am severely annoyed by people in relationships that call each other ‘babe’. I don’t know if it’s the word itself or the fact they always say it with a whine that bothers me more. If you really love someone, I think you can be more creative than ‘babe’.

75. Once after school, I forgot my keys to my house and tried to break in through a window. The window shattered and sliced my left arm open from my thumb to elbow. I got 30 stitches where the cut was the deepest across my wrist. Sometimes when I see people look at the scar, I know they think I tried to kill myself. I didn’t, I swear!

76. I have never, ever forgotten my keys since that day.

77. I miss building forts. When I was growing up, my neighbor had a bunch of random rain-warped lumber in his backyard. My brother and I would go back there and steal it to create makeshift shelters we thought were awesome. It’s amazing what you can do with some rotten wood and little imagination.

78. I do not have an occipital protuberance. Does that mean I’m a cyborg?

79. I am 24 years old and have kissed only eight people in my life. I don’t know if that means I’m lame or just picky.

80. I hate seafood! The smell and texture of it is absolutely revolting to me. I wish that I was allergic to seafood so I could say, ‘sorry, it makes me break out in hives’ and people would quit trying to make me taste their entrees because they don’t believe I hate it.

81. Peanut butter is my favorite food.

82. When I was little, I wanted to grow up to be a chef. Or an Olympic ice skater.

83. I used to watch Julia Child on the food channel and pretend to be her with my little Fischer-Price kitchen. I would take food from the real fridge and stick in my pretend kitchen. I once fermented a sippy-cup of grape juice into some homemade wine by storing it in my kitchen for a few weeks. It was yucky.

84. Personality trumps appearance every time.

85. Being an artist like my dad would be really cool. I am in awe of people that can just sit down and create.

86. I love my siblings. It was so fun growing up with a brother and a sister - it was and is the best of both worlds! Because my brother and I are only a year apart, we have always been very close. I can’t imagine my life without the memories of us locking my little sister in our toy box or making her eat weird stuff.

87. I’m annoyed that Sarah Palin exists. For the past year, people keep asking me if I’m going for the ‘Sarah Palin look’. That is so rude! It’s like asking me if I’m going for the ‘glasses wearing hick with too much make-up look’. There are more than two people on this planet with brown hair and glasses.

88. I’m a soc, but I wish I was a greaser.

89. My day planner is my best friend. I don’t know how I would function without it. My whole life is in there!

90. I have many obsessive-compulsive tendencies and have been super organized for as long as I can remember. Everything in my house has a place. I try to downplay this when people come over so they don’t feel uncomfortable. I’m like, ‘oh, I cleaned up because you were coming over’. It’s actually always that clean.

91. Making lists is therapeutic to me. I have a long list of things to do before I die, which includes sky-diving and being animated into a cartoon character.

92. My favorite color is yellow. My favorite flowers are daisies. They make me happy.

93. Halloween is the best. I love the spooky feeling of October and how festive people get. I typically have at least two costumes for Halloween, a different one for each event I attend. What can I say, I keep it fresh.

94. I’m really afraid of childbirth. I don’t know if I could do it.

95. My parents have been married going on 28 years, it’s one of the reasons I admire them.

96. I love boys that wear sweater vests. I find them utterly irresistible.

97. My grandmother was born in Frankfurt, Germany and grew up there during the holocaust. It really puts things into perspective.

98. My family and I celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve by opening presents and watching classic holiday movies. On Christmas Day, we try to participate in a service activity. I think it’s really great and I plan on keeping that tradition alive throughout my life.

99. I don’t really collect things, but if I did, I would collect baby shoes. Oh my goodness, have you ever seen anything as teeny-tiny and adorable as baby Reeboks? Why would a baby even need running shoes? I don’t know, but I love them!

100. I snort when I laugh really hard, so be prepared.

101. I decided to pursue a career as an RN by way of accidental epiphany. While volunteering in the emergency room at Rady-Children’s Hospital, I got to assist with suturing a 4 year old girl during my first shift. At that moment, I inexplicably knew I would make a difference in the world by helping people in that way.

102. I love the fall. And the irony of me loving the fall.

103. I love photography, especially black and white compositions. I feel they are somewhat more expressive (if it’s a good photo). The mood and theme are more apparent without the distraction of color.

104. When I was younger, we had pet Red-Tailed Boa Constrictor named Miss Louise. You had to say her name with a Cajun accent.

105. I used to have Barbie weddings in my Barbie dream house and force my brother to play with me. He conceded as long as he could be his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figures, not the Ken dolls. Ken’s plastic tidy-whitey briefs were scarier than interspecies relationships.

106. ‘Clueless’ is one of my favorite movies, but I rarely admit it.

107. I love crunchy leaves. I love the sound they make when you step on them. I frequently rearrange my walking pattern just so I can hear it.

108. My toes are never unpainted.

109. I have unusually large hands for a girl. If people comment about them, I will sometimes participate in a measuring contest. Be forewarned - you may be emasculated.

110. You know what they say about big hands … more surface area covered per slap to the face!

111. My heart breaks every time I go to the pet shelter and see the older cats with no hope of being adopted. I want to take them all home with me and be the youngest cat lady in history.

112. I love the Marx Brothers. Groucho, Zeppo and Harpo would be the three people, alive or dead, I would like to have dinner with. It would be the most hilarious meal ever.

113. It would definitely have to involve a rubber chicken in some capacity. Pure comedy.

114. I have CDs with songs from Disney movies on it. I blast it in my car when I feel like singing about having fins instead of legs or how some day my prince will come, but only with the windows up.

115. My friends tell me I am a ‘white girl with rhythm’… apparently this is rare. I tend to disagree. I think they just say that because they get their kicks from me on the dance floor.

116. My genetic/ ethnic recipe is as follows: half German, a quarter Ukrainian and a quarter French, Norwegian and Scottish. I’m a euro mutt.

117. When my parents were preparing to relocate us from Texas, the choices were San Diego, California and Boston, Massachusetts. I sometimes wonder who I would be if we had ended up on the opposite coast.

118. I hate when boys wear cologne. This preference may be due to the 97% of men who marinate themselves in it. A shower + some deodorant = much more appealing.

119. Cologne also reminds me of being hollered at in downtown clubs. I’d rather not be reminded of those experiences.

120. In true nerd fashion, I wear a retainer to bed every night … H-O-T.

121. I adore reading biographies about historically influential people. Seeing how someone can make a difference, big or small, gives me much needed hope in humanity.

122. One of my goals in life is to be trilingual. It will happen … just you wait.

123. I refer to Wikipedia on a daily basis.

124. I think it would be funny if someone added the things they published on Wikipedia onto their resumes as ‘publications’.

125. The sound of Styrofoam makes me go limp. It’s as shudder-worthy as nails scratching a chalkboard.

126. I’ve always held a major grudge against raisins, they taste metallic to me. My mother knew this, yet they ended up in my lunchbox anyway.

127. When I was in grade school, I wrote and illustrated ‘Pig Pig’s Adventures’, a heart warming story about a pig with wings and the amazing predicaments he got himself into. My next door neighbor was a teacher and borrowed my first and only edition to show her class. She moved before I ever got it back.

128. Sometimes I’ll look around at Barnes & Noble to see if it’s been published. Yeah, it was that good.

129. My middle name is Lynne, after my mom’s middle name, Lynn. She added the ‘e’ on mine to make it unique … everyone always forgets the ‘e’.

130. I am somewhat lactose intolerant. This suits me just fine because I dislike milk and most dairy products anyway. So there!

131. Watching ‘Jackass’ is my favorite guilty pleasure. It entertains me to tears.

132. Belts are my nemesis. They draw attention where attention need not be.

133. I am an organ donor.

134. You should be too.

135. If someone happens to one day ask for my hand in marriage (sucker!), I hope it’s via song about how we will grow old together, like in ‘The Wedding Singer’.

136. Working Billy Idol in there somewhere wouldn’t hurt either.

137. I do not drink soda.

138. Eavesdropping is an integral part of my daily routine. Because of this fact, I am hopelessly obsessed with social networking.

139. My self-esteem tank tends to run on low. I think it’s because I’m one of those people who always expects better from themselves, no matter what they accomplish.

140. I do not take compliments well. Sorry.

141. I refuse to settle.

142. My schedule is ridiculously jam-packed. I work forty hours a week and go to school at night full time. I function well under stress, to say the least.

143. Hello, my name is Autumn and I am an addict. An iced coffee addict.

144. My skin is my favorite physical attribute. Partly because I don't have to put in any effort to keep it nice.

145. Don’t ever say ‘your glasses are hot’ to me. It leads me to believe you have a creepy secretary/ librarian/ faux-smarty pants fetish.

146. Talk to the hand.

147. It makes me sad I can’t run anymore because of the bursitis in my hip. I feel ancient when I try to run because it creaks.

148. That said … I love my bike! Taking turns around the lake are directly related to my mental health.

149. I have use a specific voice when I talk to my cats. I need to get out more.

150. I have the most amazing friends. I can’t fathom where I would be without them.

Fin.

As You Wish

Princess Bride reunion (24 years in the making) = INCREDIBLE!
Scaling the Cliffs of Insanity. Battling Rodents of Unusual Size. Facing torture in the Pit of Despair ... true love has never been a snap.

Anatomy of a Fool

Pale tresses arbitrarily jut out
from a head that over thinks
I know this from your scruffy jawline
that has no filter
it tells me you don't have
the word to describe how you feel

My coke-bottle lenses
magnify true colored brows
that furrow with the news
from your jaw that moves too much
while my mandible
prefers to stay immobile

That way, the word
will not be prodded
or poked
or teased
or coaxed
into existence
that way, the word
won't be at all

It makes sense in my mind
beneath dark knots and snarls
that manifest themselves
within my cognition
until I realize I'm a fool
for the word
that isn't real.

Full Circle

My Mom and I have a complicated and sometimes strained relationship. It's been a lot of me apologizing for who I am and the decisions I make in my life. That, combined with a sense of failure from knowing I will never live up to or become what she wishes I would be, made the following email (sent randomly, completely out of the blue) all the more touching.

And by the way, did you know that you are so amazing? And I know that you will ask, "Where did that come from?", "What do you mean?", "Why are you saying that?" -- and I say, just believe me, I speak the truth.

I love you, Mom

P.S. Keep your head up, your nose clean, and your heart open to doing right and meeting the right eternal love. You're worth it.

I'm confused. I know that she loves me, but I am torn between believing this and keeping my guard up. I'm skeptical to believe that maybe our relationship has finally come full circle and she accepts me for who I am.

She is right, though. Where did that come from? What does she mean? Why is she saying that?

Yeah, Like That

It's like that one time
when I was small and my Mom asked me why
I didn't like hugs
I told her I didn't know
"You have a wall up", she said.

I was a kid with a wall up.
And I am, still.

It's like that one time
when I was big and you asked me why
I wouldn't let you in
I told you I didn't know
"You have a wall up", you said.

"Yeah, me and my wall", I thought, "we go way back".

Just like that one time. Yeah, like that.

Get The Look

I am in love with this blog right now! I've always been a hunter and gatherer of unique pieces for my home, so when I started reading (and anticipating) posts from Etsy's Get The Look, I became easily hooked! The array of styles and inspiration from this site are fabulous.

In each post, the home of a chosen one from the Etsy community is highlighted. Each room is photographed and there are links to suggested pieces sold on the website that mimic the style of the room.


For example, the photo above is from "Familial Legacies" - a story and style in one. Along with the photography and promotion of the room's vibe, the homeowner is also interviewed. I love reading about what inspired them in their decorating sense and how they became so skilled in rooting out the treasures that adorn their spaces.

If you are at all interested in personal stories about amazing design inspiration and style, I definitely recommend checking out Get The Look.

The Jury's Still Out

I always thought I was a great communicator, but you've put me to shame.
I wish I had a better response than my smile to all of your sweet words, but for whatever reason, I lose my voice around you.

You are attractive and your charisma is off the charts - and you know it.
I find that infuriating. Sometimes, I can't decide if I want to punch or kiss you.

You are funny and sexy and I feel like I've known you for a long time.
And, according to infinity, perhaps I have.

I'm sure you know that I like you. But that's all I'll say right now.
I won't give you the satisfaction of further explaination.
I'm not sure I have one anyway.

Idiot.

Time heals all wounds? No, time just allows all the bullshit to rise to the surface.
Don't be an idiot, go with your gut. Always. Just do it.

Inquire Within

Wanted: Significant other - previous employee unable to live up to job description.

Only those qualified and serious about this position need apply.

Desirable applicant must be:
- a male, preferably one who can kill bugs
- someone who loves music, but loves me more
- kind, sweet, genuine
- an animal (specifically cat) lover
- compassionate, understanding, accepting
- someone who values honesty ALWAYS
- witty, weird, silly, sarcastic
- someone who loves to learn
- exciting, whimsical, outrageous
- open-minded and not afraid to commit
- an equal, a counterpart, a companion
- someone real

Responsibilities include:
- getting off the sidelines
- taking action, not just saying you will
- leaving your ex-relationship counterpart(s)in the past
- having fun and being happy
- being fiercely passionate about something/anything/everything
- knowing yourself enough to know what you want

Qualifications:
- Must have at least 26 years life experience
- Be at least 5'7'' (not a requirement, but preferred)
- Previous relationship experience encouraged
- Must be able to lift at least 130 lbs. with ease
- Must already have own life before being considered for position
- Microsoft Office knowledge a plus

Location: San Diego, CA and surrounding areas.

Compensation: Me!

Now accepting applications. Position will open in the near future.

Please inquire within.

Overslept

As the light descends, I feel it
through wood-paned blinds
shadows make a fool of me
don't wake, don't wake
I don't want to have to think about you
don't wake, don't wake
I don't ever want to feel again
don't wake, don't wake.

As the night ascends, I feel it
stain my tear soaked sheets
that still hold your scent
don't wake, don't wake
I don't want to have to know about you
don't wake, don't wake
I don't ever want to try again
don't wake, don't wake.

I have no time to overthink
because all I do is oversleep.
How am I still so tired?

As my life transcends, I feel it
become a memory
of what used to be
won't make, won't make
any effort to forget about you
won't make, won't make
me ever feel alive again
won't make, won't make it out of here.

And The World Spins Madly On

I think The Weepies said it right ...

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on.

... the end of a relationship feels like a death. True death and break-ups alike, you experience the stages of grief and loss - anger, bargaining, depression and eventually, acceptance. You can't imagine living after the tragedy, but every morning you open your eyes. You understand that the death was inevitable, but don't understand why. You want to go back to being the old you, before the death, but you can't. Relationships produce ghosts, too. They haunt certain movies, times of day, song lyrics, a few of your friends and sometimes, your pillowcase. The haunting subdues as time goes on of course, but it never really leaves. There is no bah humbug-ing out of this one. The ghosts are here to stay, so you might as well get used to it.

The other day, I peeled myself off the couch and took a hike around the hills behind my house. I walked around for about an hour and on the way back home, I sat on a ledge and watched the sky change colors. I feel like I'm a fairly strong person, I've dealt with some strife in my life. It's not a healthy practice, but my ability to turn off the emotional attachment is something I used to take pride in. It used to protect me. I don't like this feeling of exposure. The break-up exposure. The death exposure. Their ghosts can find me here. This beating bundle of vessels that used to love someone. I don't want it to touch the oxygen and turn red, I want to keep it buried deep and for it to stay blue. I was on the edge sitting on that ledge.

But, you can't hide forever. "I'm better than this", I told myself. "Snap out of it! Get on with your life! P.S. You are awesome!" I impressed myself for a moment, thinking about something other than a woman (me) scorned. In an overstimulated cloud of reflection, my ear buds delivered happiness and I absent mindedly started my journey home. I mean it, I wasn't paying attention ... to anything ... until I unfortunately walked right into some twilight shrub love. Though my hearing was impaired and my thoughts far away, there was no escaping it. The most awkward experience ever lifted me out of my break-up death depression. I laughed more than I ever have and ran all the way home. Catch me if you can, ghosts!

Break-ups, breakdowns, breakthroughs ... accidentally walking into a naked nest of public sexy time. And the world spins madly on.

Procrastination

Waking up at noon
with nothing worth waking for
stagnant mood
finding the meaning
maybe at noon tomorrow.

!&^@*

You want me to work like a machine
you want me to forget everything
but you forgot I still have a heart
and it remembers all you've done.

I Remember It All

Do you remember that time when you said hello
but I ran away, because I was slow
to believe I was out there looking for you
Do you remember the time when we were brand new?

Do you remember that night in the back of a truck
when we stared at the sky, I felt so full of luck
to have found someone who fit me like a glove
Do you remember the time when we fell in love?

Do you remember that hike in the forest upstate
where I forgot to wear socks, still it was great
to feel the fresh air and stress release
Do you remember the time when we were at peace?

Do you remember the time when that sad thing occurred
you held me and listened, my eyes were all blurred
from too many tears that you helped me through
Do you remember the times I was thankful for you?

Do you remember the days when we were just wierd
and laughed every day, I scratched your beard
when we hugged and kissed and had movie night
Do you remember the time when it felt so right?

Do you remember the times we made music together
I wrote some words, you played guitar forever
and made magic happen through summer and fall
Do you remember the times when we did it all?

Do you remember how now it's not always good
or easy or nice, words hurt more than they should
but I hope we'll keep trying to make us last
and remember our times as more than just past.

Love

I carry your heart with me(I carry it in my heart)I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)I want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret that nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life, which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)


Oh man. I love E.E. Cummings.

Weekly Shudder

This week: Good. God. He's baaaaaaack!

In Love!

Happy New Year to me ... unicorn and narwhal art! I am so in love!