My Mom and I have a complicated and sometimes strained relationship. It's been a lot of me apologizing for who I am and the decisions I make in my life. That, combined with a sense of failure from knowing I will never live up to or become what she wishes I would be, made the following email (sent randomly, completely out of the blue) all the more touching.
And by the way, did you know that you are so amazing? And I know that you will ask, "Where did that come from?", "What do you mean?", "Why are you saying that?" -- and I say, just believe me, I speak the truth.
I love you, Mom
P.S. Keep your head up, your nose clean, and your heart open to doing right and meeting the right eternal love. You're worth it.
I'm confused. I know that she loves me, but I am torn between believing this and keeping my guard up. I'm skeptical to believe that maybe our relationship has finally come full circle and she accepts me for who I am.
She is right, though. Where did that come from? What does she mean? Why is she saying that?
I wish I could give the right answer, but the truth is no one has it except your mother. From reading that e-mail its apparent how much she does love you and cares about expressing that she is ok w/ your choices. How much of this "weight" you are feeling to live up to her expectations are you putting on yourself? I carried a lot of "weight" myself for a very long time to be what my family wanted me to be. I had to set it down and realize a few things about life. Your family is NOT perfect. They are humans beings who have their own thoughts, feelings and life. What is right for them may not be right for you. That is just how it is. Don't beat yourself up about it. Beat to your own drummer, b/c when it comes down to it you are living life for yourself, ONLY. Life is way to short to try and make other people happy. Happiness has to come from w/in yourself, not from the words, kudos or sentiments of your loved ones. As long as you are respect to them, your actions are your own and not for debate with anyone else. I took a lot of shit from my family when I came out as Pagan. A lot of them had disowned me b/c of it. I beat myself for a while about it, but I had to come to realize that is their problem, not mine. I'm happy and whole spiritually and that is ALL that matters. Having said all this develop a relationship w/ your mother but always stay true to yourself. As long as you are doing this nothing she does or says can bring you down or make you doubt yourself.
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