My teeth are soft
my thighs feel tight
uncomfortable in clothing
especially at night.
Just tell me I'm pretty
so I can relax
just love me for now
just love me a little bit.
I am in disrepair
it's not easy to move
I creak, I strain, it's hard now.
I'm losing myself
because this is the happiest time in my life.
Yeah, right.
We all know how that goes.
My skin looks sick
my goddamn mouth is tired
pass me that drink
so I can stay wired.
Just tell me you're still here
so I can believe
just pretend for now
just pretend a little bit.
I am in disrepair
it's not easy to move
I creak, I strain, it's hard now.
I'm losing myself
because this is the happiest time in my life.
Yeah, right.
We all know how that goes.
This is a suit, I am fake
I swear what you see
is not really me.
I am thin
I am see-through
see through me, please.
12/13/10
12/4/10
The Trolley Chronicles
I've learned a lot of things from riding public transportation, like watch where you step, always carry cash and be careful with whom you make eye contact because they may take it as an invitation to approach you and make uncomfortable and obscene comments about your body. These are lessons learned from experience. Take my word for it.
You may be wondering why I have been riding the trolley as of late, and as you may have guessed, it was not my first choice of transportation. For the past few months, I've been without a car. It's amazing how much you can learn about your fellow man when you are forced to sit next to complete strangers for more than five minutes. The last couple of months have been packed with some very random encounters and a just a few moments of clarity that made it all worth the trouble. So, I suppose I'll tell you about the scariest moment I experienced while compiling this impromptu social study and you will understand why I'm glad to be rid of public transit.
This summer was pretty mellow with the exception of the month of August, which was a sweltering, stagnant sonofabitch, especially for those without air conditioning. This is why August was the worst month ever to ride the trolley - everyone was doing it. This one particular afternoon, I was taking the train downtown and witnessed a couple arguing in the seat across from me. The arguing eventually turned into the male counterpart screaming obscenities so loudly I couldn't even concentrate on my book, his face just millimeters away from his girlfriend's. Their situation continued to escalate until he shoved her so hard her head hit the plastic partition behind her.
In a packed trolley car, no one did anything. In the moments before he pushed her, I was thinking about what my move would be if (or at this point, when, he put his hands on her) and didn't know if I should get up and say something or just sit quietly and stare straight ahead like everyone else. At this point, I was about halfway to my destination and in a pretty unsavory area of San Diego, so I could see me getting involved as not the smartest move, but I couldn't just sit there and let him physically abuse her. I couldn't just sit there and let a bully rule the rails. So, when her head hit plastic, I stood up. I took out my pepper spray and told the sad excuse for a man that if he touched her again, I would mame him. I'm not kidding ... I most definitely peed my pants a little bit when he turned around in a menacing way, wondering why a little freak in business casual and glasses was even talking to him and told me (in the foulest language ever) to stay out of his business. I repeated my statement. By now, everyone on the trolley was staring at our little standoff, so I felt like it was a safe time to sit down and try not to get stabbed before I got to work.
For the next few stops, the couple bickered until the girl, who at this point had yet to speak or even look at me, got off after she kissed the asshole goodbye. It makes me so upset to see or hear about situations where a woman is abused but so insecure and broken, she can't bring herself to rise above it. Up until this point, things had been a little unnerving, but now they got scary. Soon after his significant other exited the almost empty trolley car, the abuser coolly walked over and sat right next to me. Not in the empty seat across from me, not the completely deserted area behind me, right exactly next to my person. If I had peed my pants earlier out of fear, I most definitely became incontinent at this moment. What was he going to do?! Shank me? Put his hand on my leg? Whisper something into my ear? He didn't say one word, I tried to ignore my increasing heart rate and sweaty armpits and pretended to read. I got off at the next stop right after he said "goodbye" in a creepy tone, like he knew his intimidation had paid off and I was legitimately freaked out.
I can't tell you if I made the right decision or not in this situation. Should I have not said anything? It is clear now that he has physically assaulted before this trolley trip and that he will do it again, so why even get involved? Is it really worth the risk of being harmed myself? I don't know.
Not all trips on the trolley were quite as hostile, some in fact were pretty hilarious. There was one afternoon when a seemingly non-crazy homeless man asked me for a few dollars for dinner and I obliged. He then asked me out for a meal, his treat. Another time, a Rastafarian rapped about the perils of credit cards and payday loans for about thirteen stops. I've seen tin foil hats, people wearing seventeen layers of clothing, romance novel readers who make inappropriate sounds while getting way too into their books, etc. Other trips, I noticed the sweet side of society, like when an elderly Mexican woman sat next to a gangster-looking wannabe. She asked him for directions and information about the trolley route in broken English and I fully expected him to write off the old woman or move seats. Instead, he sat with her the full trip, had a cheery conversation about his grandmother and they even shared some candy. Some days the juxtaposition of the Encanto cemetery nestled between graffiti-tagged neighborhoods and a growing homeless population under the C Street bridge made for a more reflective and insightful trip.
I feel like I've learned a lot from public transportation. The past few months without a car have been like a thorn in my side when it comes to getting any place efficiently, but I feel like a better person because of it. That being said, I'm glad it's over. Good God, I'm glad it's over.
Deuces, trolley! Hopefully, I'll never see you or your dead rat carcasses or disgusting bugs or crazy people ever again!
You may be wondering why I have been riding the trolley as of late, and as you may have guessed, it was not my first choice of transportation. For the past few months, I've been without a car. It's amazing how much you can learn about your fellow man when you are forced to sit next to complete strangers for more than five minutes. The last couple of months have been packed with some very random encounters and a just a few moments of clarity that made it all worth the trouble. So, I suppose I'll tell you about the scariest moment I experienced while compiling this impromptu social study and you will understand why I'm glad to be rid of public transit.
This summer was pretty mellow with the exception of the month of August, which was a sweltering, stagnant sonofabitch, especially for those without air conditioning. This is why August was the worst month ever to ride the trolley - everyone was doing it. This one particular afternoon, I was taking the train downtown and witnessed a couple arguing in the seat across from me. The arguing eventually turned into the male counterpart screaming obscenities so loudly I couldn't even concentrate on my book, his face just millimeters away from his girlfriend's. Their situation continued to escalate until he shoved her so hard her head hit the plastic partition behind her.
In a packed trolley car, no one did anything. In the moments before he pushed her, I was thinking about what my move would be if (or at this point, when, he put his hands on her) and didn't know if I should get up and say something or just sit quietly and stare straight ahead like everyone else. At this point, I was about halfway to my destination and in a pretty unsavory area of San Diego, so I could see me getting involved as not the smartest move, but I couldn't just sit there and let him physically abuse her. I couldn't just sit there and let a bully rule the rails. So, when her head hit plastic, I stood up. I took out my pepper spray and told the sad excuse for a man that if he touched her again, I would mame him. I'm not kidding ... I most definitely peed my pants a little bit when he turned around in a menacing way, wondering why a little freak in business casual and glasses was even talking to him and told me (in the foulest language ever) to stay out of his business. I repeated my statement. By now, everyone on the trolley was staring at our little standoff, so I felt like it was a safe time to sit down and try not to get stabbed before I got to work.
For the next few stops, the couple bickered until the girl, who at this point had yet to speak or even look at me, got off after she kissed the asshole goodbye. It makes me so upset to see or hear about situations where a woman is abused but so insecure and broken, she can't bring herself to rise above it. Up until this point, things had been a little unnerving, but now they got scary. Soon after his significant other exited the almost empty trolley car, the abuser coolly walked over and sat right next to me. Not in the empty seat across from me, not the completely deserted area behind me, right exactly next to my person. If I had peed my pants earlier out of fear, I most definitely became incontinent at this moment. What was he going to do?! Shank me? Put his hand on my leg? Whisper something into my ear? He didn't say one word, I tried to ignore my increasing heart rate and sweaty armpits and pretended to read. I got off at the next stop right after he said "goodbye" in a creepy tone, like he knew his intimidation had paid off and I was legitimately freaked out.
I can't tell you if I made the right decision or not in this situation. Should I have not said anything? It is clear now that he has physically assaulted before this trolley trip and that he will do it again, so why even get involved? Is it really worth the risk of being harmed myself? I don't know.
Not all trips on the trolley were quite as hostile, some in fact were pretty hilarious. There was one afternoon when a seemingly non-crazy homeless man asked me for a few dollars for dinner and I obliged. He then asked me out for a meal, his treat. Another time, a Rastafarian rapped about the perils of credit cards and payday loans for about thirteen stops. I've seen tin foil hats, people wearing seventeen layers of clothing, romance novel readers who make inappropriate sounds while getting way too into their books, etc. Other trips, I noticed the sweet side of society, like when an elderly Mexican woman sat next to a gangster-looking wannabe. She asked him for directions and information about the trolley route in broken English and I fully expected him to write off the old woman or move seats. Instead, he sat with her the full trip, had a cheery conversation about his grandmother and they even shared some candy. Some days the juxtaposition of the Encanto cemetery nestled between graffiti-tagged neighborhoods and a growing homeless population under the C Street bridge made for a more reflective and insightful trip.
I feel like I've learned a lot from public transportation. The past few months without a car have been like a thorn in my side when it comes to getting any place efficiently, but I feel like a better person because of it. That being said, I'm glad it's over. Good God, I'm glad it's over.
Deuces, trolley! Hopefully, I'll never see you or your dead rat carcasses or disgusting bugs or crazy people ever again!
11/22/10
Hey
You make it hard enough to see straight
and I see you everywhere I look
So save your goodbyes
for now
or at least until we say hello again.
and I see you everywhere I look
So save your goodbyes
for now
or at least until we say hello again.
11/2/10
Some Female Thing
A girl acts oblivious
but the curve of her lips suggest otherwise;
at least I hope mine do
when I act like that.
Tricky - that female thing.
but the curve of her lips suggest otherwise;
at least I hope mine do
when I act like that.
Tricky - that female thing.
10/10/10
It's Called a Chore For a Reason
Living without the luxury of laundry facilities on premises is an acquired taste and I am not a fan. Nope, not a fan of the lifestyle, but hey - my rent is cheap, so I can deal. I finally did some laundry yesterday after letting it pile up for about a month and I can safely say, I've got the process down.
1. Separate (whites, lights, darks, dry clean) before leaving for laundromat.
2. Get cash for change machines.
3. Drop off laundry at laundromat.
4. Run errands to Target, Trader Joe's, etc.
5. Change laundry from washer to dryer, removing all items that must not be dried.
6. Drop off groceries at home and hang up wet clothes removed from washers.
7. Pick up laundry at laundromat, folding before departure.
8. Return home for another month of letting laundry pile up.
I seriously HATE doing laundry, even more than doing dishes. But after the process I must always go through to obtain fresh sheets, I feel a sense of satisfaction, like I actually accomplished something for the day and it motives me to be productive for the rest of it.
Yesterday, after returning home from laundry fun, I set a bag filled with detergent, softener, bleach and wet clothes on my bed while I started putting away clean, dry clothes. The smell of chlorine had followed me inside the house and I was confused as to where it was coming from, until I realized I had bleach ... in a bag ... on my bed.
Oh, bleach. You do so much good, yet cause so much destruction. RIP beige duvet, blue corduroy jacket, new dress only worn once and blue sweatshirt I love so much. You will be missed.
Needless to say, I was not very productive after this.
1. Separate (whites, lights, darks, dry clean) before leaving for laundromat.
2. Get cash for change machines.
3. Drop off laundry at laundromat.
4. Run errands to Target, Trader Joe's, etc.
5. Change laundry from washer to dryer, removing all items that must not be dried.
6. Drop off groceries at home and hang up wet clothes removed from washers.
7. Pick up laundry at laundromat, folding before departure.
8. Return home for another month of letting laundry pile up.
I seriously HATE doing laundry, even more than doing dishes. But after the process I must always go through to obtain fresh sheets, I feel a sense of satisfaction, like I actually accomplished something for the day and it motives me to be productive for the rest of it.
Yesterday, after returning home from laundry fun, I set a bag filled with detergent, softener, bleach and wet clothes on my bed while I started putting away clean, dry clothes. The smell of chlorine had followed me inside the house and I was confused as to where it was coming from, until I realized I had bleach ... in a bag ... on my bed.
Oh, bleach. You do so much good, yet cause so much destruction. RIP beige duvet, blue corduroy jacket, new dress only worn once and blue sweatshirt I love so much. You will be missed.
Needless to say, I was not very productive after this.
9/14/10
9/4/10
The Romance
Said the pelican to the elephant,
I think we should marry, I do.
Cause there's no name that rhymes with me,
and no one else that rhymes with you.
Said the elephant to the pelican,
there's no sense to what you've said,
for rhymings as good a reason as any
for any two to wed.
And so the elephant wed the pelican,
and they dined upon lemons and limes,
and now they have a baby pelicant,
and everybody rhymes.
The Romance - Shel Silverstein
Simple and to the point. I love this take on romance.
I think we should marry, I do.
Cause there's no name that rhymes with me,
and no one else that rhymes with you.
Said the elephant to the pelican,
there's no sense to what you've said,
for rhymings as good a reason as any
for any two to wed.
And so the elephant wed the pelican,
and they dined upon lemons and limes,
and now they have a baby pelicant,
and everybody rhymes.
The Romance - Shel Silverstein
Simple and to the point. I love this take on romance.
7/6/10
Good Morning, I'm Naked!
Via The San Diego Union Tribune — A Pacific Beach man had a surprise waiting for him in his living room Sunday morning: a stranger sleeping naked on his couch.
The naked man had mistakenly arrived at the condominium after a night of drinking, inexplicably took off his clothes on the porch and entered the unlocked front door, San Diego Police Lt. Jim Filley said.
After discovering the disrobed interloper around 7:30 a.m., the homeowner went back upstairs to his bedroom, armed himself and told his wife to call 911, Filley said.
“This gentleman thought he had been walking into his own home, which is in Mission Valley” nearly 20 miles away, the officer said. “We think it was an honest mistake.”
The homeowner declined to press trespassing charges against the intruder.
“He was sober, so he got dressed and went on his way,” Filley said.
Ew! Scary!
The naked man had mistakenly arrived at the condominium after a night of drinking, inexplicably took off his clothes on the porch and entered the unlocked front door, San Diego Police Lt. Jim Filley said.
After discovering the disrobed interloper around 7:30 a.m., the homeowner went back upstairs to his bedroom, armed himself and told his wife to call 911, Filley said.
“This gentleman thought he had been walking into his own home, which is in Mission Valley” nearly 20 miles away, the officer said. “We think it was an honest mistake.”
The homeowner declined to press trespassing charges against the intruder.
“He was sober, so he got dressed and went on his way,” Filley said.
Ew! Scary!
6/13/10
Amazing!
I have had a long term love affair with the movie Labyrinth for as long as I can remember. It was my favorite movie when I was 8 and it's my favorite movie now. This girl, however, loves it even more than me! Look at this work of art!
And if you don't like it, screw you! Go away and rot in the Bog of Eternal Stench for all I care.
And if you don't like it, screw you! Go away and rot in the Bog of Eternal Stench for all I care.
5/22/10
Weekly Shudder
Look at this thing.
What is it doing? It's really cute and really creepy, but I don't know which category holds the majority. I can't stop looking at it. Help!
What is it doing? It's really cute and really creepy, but I don't know which category holds the majority. I can't stop looking at it. Help!
5/14/10
You Were Always On My Mind
So, I haven't spoken to my parents in almost a year. It's a strange thing to not have contact with your immediate family. The weirdest part is that I feel mostly stagnant about the situation ... now.
I've been so hurt by my family over this time, I wouldn't even know how to have a relationship with them if they even tried to contact me now. Still, Mother's Day was an emotional day for me. I don't know why I thought I would hear from a mother who missed her daughter, when mine obviously does not.
I was disappointed from the lack of communication I didn't expect. I feel like an idiot. I like feeling stagnant better.
5/2/10
*
I remember being innocent. Sometimes, I forget how much I miss it until I walk by The Discovery Store. This is what bittersweet feels like.
4/23/10
Hyperbole and A Laugh
Oh man you guys, did I just stumble across the best blog ever or what. For those of you who do not peruse the inter webs for weird blogs that make you laugh so hard you pee, worry not! I have done the work for you by finding this excellence, which is kind of like a mix of Natalie Dee (of Toothpaste for Dinner fame) and how I think to myself! My friend sent me the link to this blog and when I took a look at the first post, it pretty much shattered my universe with hilarity. You may thank me later.
2/7/10
Just Not That Into You
With Valentine's Day about to roll around again this year, I feel the need to discuss an interesting kind of relationship I've been involved in for the past few months. I'm not talking about the basic boyfriend-girlfriend situation or the slightly disturbing thing I've got going with my wittle kitty babies, I'm talking about the roller coaster of emotions that is the job interview process.
I recently left the job I was at for over 4 years to pursue my education, thinking it wouldn't be too hard to find something part time to cover what my student loans didn't. Boy, was I wrong. For the last 4 months I've been going insane, picking apart each interview like a blind date. I've obsessed over each question asked and answered, assured myself my first impression was good enough and prayed for a phone call the next day. Then, when one didn't come ... I resorted to stuffing my face full of preservative rich snack foods and watching movie marathons on the Lifetime Channel. You know, the usual follow up to rejection ...
I'm telling you, this is the worst "relationship" I've ever been in.
I hate it.
I'm over it.
Happy Unemployment Awareness Day!
I recently left the job I was at for over 4 years to pursue my education, thinking it wouldn't be too hard to find something part time to cover what my student loans didn't. Boy, was I wrong. For the last 4 months I've been going insane, picking apart each interview like a blind date. I've obsessed over each question asked and answered, assured myself my first impression was good enough and prayed for a phone call the next day. Then, when one didn't come ... I resorted to stuffing my face full of preservative rich snack foods and watching movie marathons on the Lifetime Channel. You know, the usual follow up to rejection ...
I'm telling you, this is the worst "relationship" I've ever been in.
I hate it.
I'm over it.
Happy Unemployment Awareness Day!
1/2/10
Waste of Time
Eyes meet, blushed cheeks
a rush of blood from handshake to heart,
soft scent, breathe deep
a future lived before it's start.
You could be the one,
before love ruins it
and I'm left stabbing my lime in a bar somewhere.
a rush of blood from handshake to heart,
soft scent, breathe deep
a future lived before it's start.
You could be the one,
before love ruins it
and I'm left stabbing my lime in a bar somewhere.
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