F U, Penguin

This site is hilarious and sad at the same time. The premise of the blog is to "tell cute animals what's what". Just look at how much he hates lobster-pugs!

Lobsters Never Get It Right


Hey Lobster, what the f*** are you doing in that person's apartment? GET BACK IN THE WATER WHERE YOU BELONG. And stop looking so sad, you f***ing killjoy, this was your one opportunity to be cute and you blew it. It's got to be hard, being one step away from a cockroach, and I see you are trying to make me love you, I do. But it's not working AT ALL, Lobster, so stop acting like a dog and start twinkle-toeing around in that weird lobster way so I can get creeped out because I don't know which way you are going to move. And for God's sake, Lobster, get yourself ironed. You look like a total slob.

And look, he also hates frogs, almost as much as lobster-pugs!

I'm On To You, You Smug Son Of A Bitch


What did you f***ing do? I can't possibly imagine that you could plan something so complex as to be this f***ing proud of yourself, Frog. Animals aren't supposed to be proud of themselves, you are just supposed to hop around, eat some food, and hope a nice lady frog pays attention to you. WHAT HAPPENED TO HUMILITY, FROG? I would be willing to bet whatever you think your scheme is going to accomplish will not work. This is the real world, Frog, the big time. So unless you are in an 80s action movie with a British accent, I need you to hop back into the water and go make some tadpoles and stop acting like you just went through metamorphosis for the first time in history or something.

And here we have an even stronger hate of poultry ...

What Is Even Going On Here?


Here we go. The silky f***ing hen. What is this thing thinking when it goes outside every day? It's like David Bowie meets Tim Burton meets Colonel Sanders. Did you just step out into the light after a night of clubbing? CHICKENS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO COCAINE, SILKY HEN. I'm just going to be honest: I'm terrified of you. I don't know if it's the pom-pom specifically or just that I didn't know it was possible to get whites that white, but something about your look says "I'm coming to steal your dreams." So stay away from me, you dream-stealing poultry devil.

So mean! But I can't stop laughing. I'm totally going to Hell.