My eyes are permanently damaged with the amount of exaggerated rolling they do. Usually in response to something I have done/ am doing that does not coincide with the plans my parents have set out for me ... ones they still believe I will follow one day. It is ridiculously hard to fly away from the nest and start making your own way in the world, especially if you are flying in the opposite direction your parents prefer. Trust me, I've done it. I'm still doing it. It was hard enough the first time I tried to explain why my priorities in life are different than theirs, but having to do it every couple of weeks is even more difficult. What I say just never seems to sink in.
I was raised to believe in only one correct path in life. How thrilled my parents would have been if I had graduated high school, gone to college until I got married young and achieved my destiny as a wife and mother by the age of 25. I was raised to do this, I have been taught this is the right way to go ... so why is it so against my grain? Why do I rebel so whole-heartily against this life? I can only blame it on who I am as an individual.
I've never really felt like I completely fit in anywhere and that is fine with me. I have also never felt the need to apologize to anyone for who I am ... except when it comes to my parents. I feel like I am a let down, a disappointment, a failure and almost every conversation starts with "I'm sorry ...". I feel like I owe it to them to become what they believe I should be. But I can't. For a while, I even considered transferring to BYU, where I would meet a clean cut return missionary and we would get married in the temple. I would give him children and he would support us. But, I realized I couldn't live a life centered around what my parents expected from me if it made me absolutely miserable. I tried and failed yet again to make them proud of me. I love the beach, alternative music, caffeine, body art, diversity, freedom ... I couldn't just leave all the things I loved behind to follow a dream that was not mine. I still feel guilty about that choice.
As a parent, I think that your child's happiness should take precedent over your own. Your love and support should never waver in regards to them growing and learning in life. I've come to these conclusions by my parent's example, but not because they did these things. I've gained this knowledge because they haven't done these things. I understand that my life will never be easy with the route I've chosen to take. I will always be faced with adversity when it comes to my family relationships. But, what is even worse than explainations that fall on deaf ears, is having to repeat the same thing over and over again, especially when it breaks some one's heart.
I'm torn between what is expected of me and what I expect from myself.
Unworthy is something I should never feel.
Abandon is something I will never do.
Ignorant is something I will never be.
Ashamed is something I should never feel.
Damage is something I will never do.
Selfish is something I will never be.
Proud is something I will always feel.
Love is something I will always do.
Myself is something I will always be.
You're on the right track. Getting married young is too often the biggest mistake people make. Be Autumn. Not Autumn's parent's Autumn.
ReplyDeleteI am one of Autumn's parent, and there is more to this than all of the comments written here. Good parents do not only love, they teach morals/values, and they discipline. What a concept. This is not a bad thing, although today's world would have you think so since we are so lacking in ethics and accountability. (Doesn't take much to look around and quickly see that this is a true statement.) Futuristic determination of what type of parent you'll be, how you'll feel as a parent, what you want to instill in your children is easy to say and dream about (and is many times very naive) ---- however, parts of these immature and artistic sounding plans change as the reality of being a parent, and the important responsibility and love for that child becomes a true fact -- not just a projection of "when I become a parent, I will..." yada yada -- all organized like a five minute essay statement, or a beauty pageant speech. Be a parent, with a marriage and a husband, put your children before yourself, do your best to teach them right from wrong, help educate them, feed them, socialize them and tuck them in at night, teach them that all creations have a Creator (even when the world does not want to agree) --- on and on, endless things --- priceless things --- do this for many years -- then we'll talk.
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