And The World Spins Madly On

I think The Weepies said it right ...

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on.

... the end of a relationship feels like a death. True death and break-ups alike, you experience the stages of grief and loss - anger, bargaining, depression and eventually, acceptance. You can't imagine living after the tragedy, but every morning you open your eyes. You understand that the death was inevitable, but don't understand why. You want to go back to being the old you, before the death, but you can't. Relationships produce ghosts, too. They haunt certain movies, times of day, song lyrics, a few of your friends and sometimes, your pillowcase. The haunting subdues as time goes on of course, but it never really leaves. There is no bah humbug-ing out of this one. The ghosts are here to stay, so you might as well get used to it.

The other day, I peeled myself off the couch and took a hike around the hills behind my house. I walked around for about an hour and on the way back home, I sat on a ledge and watched the sky change colors. I feel like I'm a fairly strong person, I've dealt with some strife in my life. It's not a healthy practice, but my ability to turn off the emotional attachment is something I used to take pride in. It used to protect me. I don't like this feeling of exposure. The break-up exposure. The death exposure. Their ghosts can find me here. This beating bundle of vessels that used to love someone. I don't want it to touch the oxygen and turn red, I want to keep it buried deep and for it to stay blue. I was on the edge sitting on that ledge.

But, you can't hide forever. "I'm better than this", I told myself. "Snap out of it! Get on with your life! P.S. You are awesome!" I impressed myself for a moment, thinking about something other than a woman (me) scorned. In an overstimulated cloud of reflection, my ear buds delivered happiness and I absent mindedly started my journey home. I mean it, I wasn't paying attention ... to anything ... until I unfortunately walked right into some twilight shrub love. Though my hearing was impaired and my thoughts far away, there was no escaping it. The most awkward experience ever lifted me out of my break-up death depression. I laughed more than I ever have and ran all the way home. Catch me if you can, ghosts!

Break-ups, breakdowns, breakthroughs ... accidentally walking into a naked nest of public sexy time. And the world spins madly on.

Procrastination

Waking up at noon
with nothing worth waking for
stagnant mood
finding the meaning
maybe at noon tomorrow.

!&^@*

You want me to work like a machine
you want me to forget everything
but you forgot I still have a heart
and it remembers all you've done.

I Remember It All

Do you remember that time when you said hello
but I ran away, because I was slow
to believe I was out there looking for you
Do you remember the time when we were brand new?

Do you remember that night in the back of a truck
when we stared at the sky, I felt so full of luck
to have found someone who fit me like a glove
Do you remember the time when we fell in love?

Do you remember that hike in the forest upstate
where I forgot to wear socks, still it was great
to feel the fresh air and stress release
Do you remember the time when we were at peace?

Do you remember the time when that sad thing occurred
you held me and listened, my eyes were all blurred
from too many tears that you helped me through
Do you remember the times I was thankful for you?

Do you remember the days when we were just wierd
and laughed every day, I scratched your beard
when we hugged and kissed and had movie night
Do you remember the time when it felt so right?

Do you remember the times we made music together
I wrote some words, you played guitar forever
and made magic happen through summer and fall
Do you remember the times when we did it all?

Do you remember how now it's not always good
or easy or nice, words hurt more than they should
but I hope we'll keep trying to make us last
and remember our times as more than just past.

Love

I carry your heart with me(I carry it in my heart)I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)I want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret that nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life, which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)


Oh man. I love E.E. Cummings.

Weekly Shudder

This week: Good. God. He's baaaaaaack!

In Love!

Happy New Year to me ... unicorn and narwhal art! I am so in love!