You go, Gramps!
6/25/09
6/23/09
Torn
My eyes are permanently damaged with the amount of exaggerated rolling they do. Usually in response to something I have done/ am doing that does not coincide with the plans my parents have set out for me ... ones they still believe I will follow one day. It is ridiculously hard to fly away from the nest and start making your own way in the world, especially if you are flying in the opposite direction your parents prefer. Trust me, I've done it. I'm still doing it. It was hard enough the first time I tried to explain why my priorities in life are different than theirs, but having to do it every couple of weeks is even more difficult. What I say just never seems to sink in.
I was raised to believe in only one correct path in life. How thrilled my parents would have been if I had graduated high school, gone to college until I got married young and achieved my destiny as a wife and mother by the age of 25. I was raised to do this, I have been taught this is the right way to go ... so why is it so against my grain? Why do I rebel so whole-heartily against this life? I can only blame it on who I am as an individual.
I've never really felt like I completely fit in anywhere and that is fine with me. I have also never felt the need to apologize to anyone for who I am ... except when it comes to my parents. I feel like I am a let down, a disappointment, a failure and almost every conversation starts with "I'm sorry ...". I feel like I owe it to them to become what they believe I should be. But I can't. For a while, I even considered transferring to BYU, where I would meet a clean cut return missionary and we would get married in the temple. I would give him children and he would support us. But, I realized I couldn't live a life centered around what my parents expected from me if it made me absolutely miserable. I tried and failed yet again to make them proud of me. I love the beach, alternative music, caffeine, body art, diversity, freedom ... I couldn't just leave all the things I loved behind to follow a dream that was not mine. I still feel guilty about that choice.
As a parent, I think that your child's happiness should take precedent over your own. Your love and support should never waver in regards to them growing and learning in life. I've come to these conclusions by my parent's example, but not because they did these things. I've gained this knowledge because they haven't done these things. I understand that my life will never be easy with the route I've chosen to take. I will always be faced with adversity when it comes to my family relationships. But, what is even worse than explainations that fall on deaf ears, is having to repeat the same thing over and over again, especially when it breaks some one's heart.
I'm torn between what is expected of me and what I expect from myself.
Unworthy is something I should never feel.
Abandon is something I will never do.
Ignorant is something I will never be.
Ashamed is something I should never feel.
Damage is something I will never do.
Selfish is something I will never be.
Proud is something I will always feel.
Love is something I will always do.
Myself is something I will always be.
I was raised to believe in only one correct path in life. How thrilled my parents would have been if I had graduated high school, gone to college until I got married young and achieved my destiny as a wife and mother by the age of 25. I was raised to do this, I have been taught this is the right way to go ... so why is it so against my grain? Why do I rebel so whole-heartily against this life? I can only blame it on who I am as an individual.
I've never really felt like I completely fit in anywhere and that is fine with me. I have also never felt the need to apologize to anyone for who I am ... except when it comes to my parents. I feel like I am a let down, a disappointment, a failure and almost every conversation starts with "I'm sorry ...". I feel like I owe it to them to become what they believe I should be. But I can't. For a while, I even considered transferring to BYU, where I would meet a clean cut return missionary and we would get married in the temple. I would give him children and he would support us. But, I realized I couldn't live a life centered around what my parents expected from me if it made me absolutely miserable. I tried and failed yet again to make them proud of me. I love the beach, alternative music, caffeine, body art, diversity, freedom ... I couldn't just leave all the things I loved behind to follow a dream that was not mine. I still feel guilty about that choice.
As a parent, I think that your child's happiness should take precedent over your own. Your love and support should never waver in regards to them growing and learning in life. I've come to these conclusions by my parent's example, but not because they did these things. I've gained this knowledge because they haven't done these things. I understand that my life will never be easy with the route I've chosen to take. I will always be faced with adversity when it comes to my family relationships. But, what is even worse than explainations that fall on deaf ears, is having to repeat the same thing over and over again, especially when it breaks some one's heart.
I'm torn between what is expected of me and what I expect from myself.
Unworthy is something I should never feel.
Abandon is something I will never do.
Ignorant is something I will never be.
Ashamed is something I should never feel.
Damage is something I will never do.
Selfish is something I will never be.
Proud is something I will always feel.
Love is something I will always do.
Myself is something I will always be.
6/12/09
Summer Vacation
'I am taking the summer off' is something I'd never thought I'd say, at least for a few more years. But yes, it's true ... a mental and physical rehabilitation is desperately needed before I start 'real' college this fall. This past semester was seriously one of the most challenging so far in my academic career. I don't know if that was due to the instructors, the material or my schedule overall - but I was already burned out before finals even came around.
Anyway, I've majorly gone against my grain with taking this huge chunk of time off from classes. I have a problem with feeling like I am wasting time when I am not exerting myself to the fullest extent. Unfortunately, this practice has finally caught up with me because I definitely ran myself into the ground this past semester. In order to prevent a complete shock to my system, though, I am still taking one class (yoga) because I need to zen before giving in to impending chaos come late August. Plus, I still have to finish putting my house together, put my finances back in order after my move, get back into shape and still try to have some sort of social interaction in the process.
Here's to summer and vacations and time off from responsibility! Whee!
Anyway, I've majorly gone against my grain with taking this huge chunk of time off from classes. I have a problem with feeling like I am wasting time when I am not exerting myself to the fullest extent. Unfortunately, this practice has finally caught up with me because I definitely ran myself into the ground this past semester. In order to prevent a complete shock to my system, though, I am still taking one class (yoga) because I need to zen before giving in to impending chaos come late August. Plus, I still have to finish putting my house together, put my finances back in order after my move, get back into shape and still try to have some sort of social interaction in the process.
Here's to summer and vacations and time off from responsibility! Whee!
6/5/09
Where the Heart Is
Update: moving day is over and new home is officially GO!
CONS:
1. Red paint. I severely miscalculated the level of difficulty in painting a white room, dark red (or "Bordello Red", as my Dad lovingly calls it). An entire gallon on a 10 x 10 room and still 715 coats left to apply. Argh!
2. Arbitrarily placed cabinets. Not always a good thing, just ask the huge purple knot on my forehead. Leaning down to fill a brush with more paint does not excuse the need to look above your head before standing up. A cabinet where no cabinet should be located may result in a dented skull, laying crumpled on the floor while listening to the kids upstairs play Star Wars on Wii and wishing you were playing too, instead of waiting for a concussion to set in.
3. Steep stairs. Always fun when moving large, heavy, bulky furniture. Also, when you drive a Toyota Camry instead of a truck and have to make 15 trips from old residence to new ... stairs tend to get old, reaaal fast. I may have to hire a door man to accompany guests from the bottom of the stairs to my door, just to be sure they make it without breaking anything. I suppose this could also be considered a pro, because after the past 48 hours of moving all my earthy belongings, I seriously have buns of steel. My move was the equivalent of at least 5 hours on the StairMaster.
4. Forest green tile. Yes, forest green tile. Umm, I don't really know what to do with this stuff. It's a highly unattractive feature that I should have taken into account before purchasing 'Autumn Leaves Orange' paint for my kitchen. You'll have to let me know if it A) it works, B) it looks like a pumpkin or C)it's a blast from the past, circa 1970. If B) or C), I'll just blame it on the previous tenant.
5. Closet (or lack thereof). I significantly reduced the amount of clothes I own before moving and even took a lot of what was in my previous closet and stuffed it into my dresser. Still, I can't fit everything into where it should go. Still calculating alternatives regarding this issue ...
PROS:
1. Big bathroom. Everything from my previous loo (and more!) can fit into my new bathroom. It's fantastic! I used to have all of my hair and make-up stuff in my bedroom because I had to share one bathroom. It's so nice to have everything related to hygiene and beauty located in one spot. Organization, it's a good thing.
2. Good location. Situated right on the edge of downtown La Mesa, I am close to all my necessities - Starbucks, Wells Fargo, Vons, Henry's, 8W-adjacent, trolley (for school), etc. Plus, still easy to bike everywhere, central to friend's residences and official meeting spot for Oktoberfest!
3. House vs. apartment. There are a few perks to moving into a house from an apartment, including being able to do whatever I want to the interior. Especially awesome because I'm only paying $50 more a month on rent. I have complete control, it's great!
4. Big porch. I kind of feel the need to purchase a rocking chair, brew my own moonshine and sit on this porch, chewing on straw and taking about the weather. It has a pretty view, a nice breeze and makes me want to be lazy. I love it.
5. All mine. Yeah, you heard right, new place all to myself. Can I eat cereal naked? Yep. Can I invite The Labyrinth goblins over for a sleep-over? Yep. Can I blast Ace of Base while rearranging my LOL cat magnets on the fridge? Yep! All without disturbed expressions and awkward comments. Life is grand.
CONS:
1. Red paint. I severely miscalculated the level of difficulty in painting a white room, dark red (or "Bordello Red", as my Dad lovingly calls it). An entire gallon on a 10 x 10 room and still 715 coats left to apply. Argh!
2. Arbitrarily placed cabinets. Not always a good thing, just ask the huge purple knot on my forehead. Leaning down to fill a brush with more paint does not excuse the need to look above your head before standing up. A cabinet where no cabinet should be located may result in a dented skull, laying crumpled on the floor while listening to the kids upstairs play Star Wars on Wii and wishing you were playing too, instead of waiting for a concussion to set in.
3. Steep stairs. Always fun when moving large, heavy, bulky furniture. Also, when you drive a Toyota Camry instead of a truck and have to make 15 trips from old residence to new ... stairs tend to get old, reaaal fast. I may have to hire a door man to accompany guests from the bottom of the stairs to my door, just to be sure they make it without breaking anything. I suppose this could also be considered a pro, because after the past 48 hours of moving all my earthy belongings, I seriously have buns of steel. My move was the equivalent of at least 5 hours on the StairMaster.
4. Forest green tile. Yes, forest green tile. Umm, I don't really know what to do with this stuff. It's a highly unattractive feature that I should have taken into account before purchasing 'Autumn Leaves Orange' paint for my kitchen. You'll have to let me know if it A) it works, B) it looks like a pumpkin or C)it's a blast from the past, circa 1970. If B) or C), I'll just blame it on the previous tenant.
5. Closet (or lack thereof). I significantly reduced the amount of clothes I own before moving and even took a lot of what was in my previous closet and stuffed it into my dresser. Still, I can't fit everything into where it should go. Still calculating alternatives regarding this issue ...
PROS:
1. Big bathroom. Everything from my previous loo (and more!) can fit into my new bathroom. It's fantastic! I used to have all of my hair and make-up stuff in my bedroom because I had to share one bathroom. It's so nice to have everything related to hygiene and beauty located in one spot. Organization, it's a good thing.
2. Good location. Situated right on the edge of downtown La Mesa, I am close to all my necessities - Starbucks, Wells Fargo, Vons, Henry's, 8W-adjacent, trolley (for school), etc. Plus, still easy to bike everywhere, central to friend's residences and official meeting spot for Oktoberfest!
3. House vs. apartment. There are a few perks to moving into a house from an apartment, including being able to do whatever I want to the interior. Especially awesome because I'm only paying $50 more a month on rent. I have complete control, it's great!
4. Big porch. I kind of feel the need to purchase a rocking chair, brew my own moonshine and sit on this porch, chewing on straw and taking about the weather. It has a pretty view, a nice breeze and makes me want to be lazy. I love it.
5. All mine. Yeah, you heard right, new place all to myself. Can I eat cereal naked? Yep. Can I invite The Labyrinth goblins over for a sleep-over? Yep. Can I blast Ace of Base while rearranging my LOL cat magnets on the fridge? Yep! All without disturbed expressions and awkward comments. Life is grand.
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